pilgrimage

i took a pilgrimage
to my laundry room yesterday
searching for holiness
among all the mismatched socks
and unwashed towels 

and standing at the towering altar of motherhood and womanhood
i wondered
when was i ever going to get good at
this
folding dreams into fabric
this
softening of words and thoughts
this
endless routine of responsibility
invisible to those not labeled she

we’re not good enough for pulpits or presidencies
strong enough for leadership or lectionaries
smart enough for decision making or disciple making
nevertheless 

where is our promised land
our safe haven
from violence
abuse
disregard
surely it can’t be
in the middle of laundry and gender roles
in the middle of submission and Spanx 

and don’t misread this
clean clothes are good
but not the measure
of my worth or womanhood
because I’d rather have dirty clothes
and leadership
than clean clothes
and silence