The Women's Issue: How Progressive CoC Men Continue to Do Us Harm

No matter how hard I try to veer away from it, I find myself constantly coming back to the “gender” discussion as it relates to the Stone Campbell Movement (i.e. the Churches of Christ). My passion for this topic is born out of necessity and identity. As long as I have some ties to the Church of Christ, I am going to see this fight as my own. As long as I am a woman, I am going to see this fight as my own. And as long as I am someone mourning a calling that was never fulfilled, I am going to see this fight as my own. 

The further and further I grow away from the faith of my youth, the more urgency I feel at conveying this message. Honestly, the more relationships I build with women leaving Christianity in droves, survivors of violence, queer women, black women, women of color, disabled women, young and old women, I find my insides bubbling with an anxiety to tell ALL THE PEOPLE of the harm complementarian and misogynistic theology perpetrates. 

A while back ago, on my other blog, I wrote a series discussing the verses and exegesis needed to come to support a “broadening” of women’s roles in the church and encourage mutuality and egalitarianism. There are blogs and books and journal articles and several voices that can contribute to that discussion. I’m grateful for them, because in 2014, that’s exactly what I needed to read and hear. But the 2019 me is a little less tolerant of that discussion. It could be that 5 years after seeing the discussion and progress in my church tradition stall, I have become disenchanted. More likely it’s 5 years of constant interactions with conservative AND progressive men in which this conversation is still intellectualized and women are still being harmed. It’s 5 years of experiences and stories and relationships that have propelled me to a place where I am fed up with tip toeing around things that should be easy and simple—treat people equally and with respect. This is Kindergarten level stuff that is still being debated. And I’m through. 

So, this post is not going to be exegetical in nature, nor pulling from Scripture or any other Holy text, or even appealing to Greek or Hebrew. Go to the library or your nearest friendly neighborhood theologian and explore the complexities of culture and language and the Bible and do some digging into your belief system. If you aren’t willing to do that, then my comments aren’t going to sway you anyway. 

In fact, the only time I’m ever going to mention Greek is when I tell you to stop using Greek to prove whether or not I can exist as myself in a space. When you use Greek to gatekeep, you’ve really sunk to a weird place. Quit trying to make it happen. Or, as I say…

This post, instead, is for the men who are interested in understanding how to talk about gender justice in a way that honors women, improves their own allyship, or are just curious to why “letting women pray or preach” doesn’t cut it anymore. For the people in the back, please take out your earbuds, straighten up, and pay attention: Gender justice is not a “close enough” kind of sport. I’m going to explain a little why this requires your full participation and commitment.

Also, as a note, I can only speak to all this as a white, cis-het woman. That’s my social location and context. When I address gender justice in the CoC, I am doing so as a white woman commenting on white-majority churches. Knowing this is understanding that what I say may not completely make sense in other contexts, with other marginalized groups. But here’s the thing about marginalization. The more identities you hold, the more likely you are to experience everything I’m about to say 100x worse and in more traumatic ways. Which should grieve us all deeply. 

In the past, I’ve caveat’ed and tiptoed around this, holding hands as much as I could to people reading, hoping and praying they would feel led by my words. While I still truly believe in the power of words, I think these conversations best happen in relationship. So while I’ll welcome anyone to this space who believes women are meant to, as I saw in a CoC Facebook group just moments ago, “stay at their post” rather than be consumed by feminism, I recognize that sweetening and disguising my words will never be what helps you understand the harm your theology is causing. It’s going to be other men that do that. 

So, other men. Let’s go. 

Someone asked me the other day how men who are trying to do this work can be better allies to women. I appreciated the question, mainly because many of the men I meet who call themselves allies believe they deserve accolades just for showing up. But this is a dangerous place to be because instead of actually helping women, it stalls the movement and puts us in harm’s way. 

How? 

When you say you are an ally or express to a woman that you are working towards mutuality or egalitarianism or gender justice, you have created a point of trust between her and you. She is rightly expecting that in situations where men or women are calling into question her ability to lead or treating her as a subordinate or harassing/abusing her, you will intervene. NOT as a savior, but as someone who is going to call out the behavior and be by her side to pick up the pieces. This is especially true if you have any kind of influence, power, or privilege in the spaces in which she participates. If you are a preacher or deacon or elder or professor or influential blogger or speaker or podcaster (you get the idea), she will assume that you will use your platform to affirm her, align with justice, and act against the systems that subordinated her in the first place. 

Just reading the above paragraph, however, it becomes fairly clear that the allyship claimed by men in the CoC and what is actually happening are distant cousins at best. I think this is because there have been a few misconceptions about gender justice, as well as some major missteps men have taken on the path to opening up “roles” to women in the church. Now it’s time to step into the “Ouch, Oops” territory and figure out what clean-up looks like.

Misconception

Gender justice and gender roles are often discussed interchangeably, but are two very different things. To be anti-sexist and anti-misogynist, it takes a lot more work than just allowing women in the pulpit. In fact, "letting" women preach is an action that may flow from a commitment to gender justice, but definitely can be an action devoid of justice. 

For example, an "egalitarian church" that opens up their pulpit/eldership to women can also be one that ignores violence against women, participates in defined gender roles ("men are like this, women are like this"), and generally treats women like second-class citizens. (I have had direct experience with men and churches like this. My friends have had direct experiences with men and churches like this. Remember when I said women are being put in harm’s way? This trauma lasts a long time and doesn’t go away with time.) 


We typically don't do a great job at making these distinctions, and as such, all these conversations become what women are "allowed" to do, rather than valuing women as human beings deserving of the same rights, respect, and attitudes as men. (This right here is not only the gold standard, but NECESSARY for women to know, feel, and live into as they participate in faith communities.) 


What happens is that all these discussions are grounded in "roles" or "what can women do" rather than "how do we conceptualize gender and treat women." This last part is really what makes or breaks an ally—I could say a prayer or teach a class of men, but if I am still seen as subordinate or the people I’m teaching are teaching my daughter things like purity culture or the preacher is beating his wife or the elder is coming on to the teenage girl—that space is not safe and those men are not allies. They are dangerous.

Misstep 

We tend to frame all these discussions around "allowance/freedom" rather than "justice/wholeness." God's intended kingdom looks inclusive. So instead of saying, "Well, we now live in the freedom of allowing women to serve," we should be saying, "We have the command to make our spaces just for all." 

Instead, what happens is what I see in so many comment threads about women's roles: 

I understand everyone's inclination towards peace, and what I often hear (especially from the autonomous, yet progressive crowd) is that we can't police people's behaviors. I agree. But I am surprised (no I’m not) that these discussions always seem to end with men telling other men, "let's agree to disagree."

As a woman, what that says to me is that my trauma from this very dangerous and devastating theology is less important than the relationship between these two men. The kicker, is that often this relationship is only one built around social structure. Preachers allowing other preachers to say these things in order “not to rock the boat” so they can speak at the next lectureship. Men writing for complementarian publications and appearing on podcasts with their “dudes” and letting these comments slide. 

I have seen so many male "allies" back down or go radio silent when pushed on the question, "Are you saying I'm wrong about this?"

Here’s the deal. 

The answer to that question should always be a resounding and absolute "YES. Yes, you are wrong. Your theology is wrong. It is harmful. We can stay friends but I am very much in disagreement with you on this and I think it is sinful."

Progressive CoC men who call yourselves allies? You need to be like Jeremiah in the dirty pit shouting to these men that their theology is poop. 

Yes. 

I said poop. 

Misstep

Men who study the Bible (whether professionally, academically, or just as a hobby) tend to intellectualize these discussions—especially online. 

Comment threads and blog posts and tweets devolve into a match about who studied the most verses or knows the best Greek or is the most well-read. 

First, it is TOXIC for women to continue to watch these interactions. It feels as if we are "issues" or "philosophies" rather than living, breathing, human beings. It is exhausting because we have heard it all before and honestly, I don't care one iota whether the Greek word for "head" means source or authority. I care whether I'm seen and treated as an equal. Whether I experience harm or violence. 

Second, these conversations should ALWAYS point back to the women being discussed. I'm all about alleviating the burden of women always having to jump in, but true allies are the ones quoting women, directing people to women's writings and talks, and constantly reframing the discussion to talk about justice. (And backing women up when they do jump into the discussion. A rarely used, but wonderful phrase, is “She already said that.”)

While I don’t believe it is on the person being harmed to walk people through how not to harm (take responsibility, guys, and do some deep learning), I do find it helpful to frame these discussions around steps people can take to do better. If anything, the education is here. You have to decide what it is worth to take or leave (and understand the impact that will have on the women around you). 

How to Ally Better

So, in a perfect world, all these conversations around gender justice and women's roles in the church would be full of male allies calling out the misogyny of their friends and fellow ministers. 

Gendered jokes, stereotypes, excuses, and even discussing rape allegations using terms like "credible" or "not credible" are all things that need to stop. And women can't be the only ones saying they are wrong. 

One of the things I have witnessed are calls to peace from people who have no skin in the game, so to speak. Responding to women by tone policing or telling them to "be peaceful", "calm down" or "realize these are good guys, trying their hardest," means nothing in the face of violence. 

Men need to amp it up so women don't have to. 

And here's where it all culminates:

Any form of telling or showing a woman she is a second-class citizen is sinful. Full stop. That absolutely needs to be called out, and women just do not have the social capital in our tradition to do that. (We still do it. All the time. But every time we do it, it costs us something. And that something is usually a piece of our dignity, souls, or faith.)

Here's the deal. 

I completely understand the complication of being reliant on income and a job. People who protest are typically not allowed access to the systems they are protesting, and people with access to those systems are typically kicked out if they start to protest. Having influence to change people's minds slowly and infiltrating the system through targeted conversations and moving strategically has often been the gold standard among progressive CoC men. 

Almost too gold of a standard. 

It seems as if all y'all are doing it. 

We've got to have some protestors, guys, or eventually, you'll all look around and not only lose women to your congregations, but to faith altogether. I've got the receipts. It's already happening. 

I don't expect all men or male leaders to say, "Do this right, or I'm leaving." 

But I do expect subversion. 

And respect. 

And showing allyship in safe spaces (like secret social media groups). 

And participating in actions that won't cost as much (like refusing to appear on a podcast or speak at a lectureship or write for a publication if those things contribute to misogynistic, patriarchal, or sexist practices). 

At the end of the day, there must be the realization that anything less than full justice is not good enough. It's not. It's not ok to say, "Well, the women can do everything BUT a, b, and c," or "We're having these discussions, and that's a big step," or "It doesn't happen automatically and we're making some progress."

Maybe you just can't get there. Maybe your church community can't make the leap and you can't afford to leave and you can't afford to speak out. Lament about that, but don't fool yourself into thinking it's fine to give women a "little" bit and that's fine. 

It's not.

It's still harmful.

Fess up to that. If you can't change it, fess up to how horribly crappy that is and support women who need to leave those systems. 

Because eventually, we will need to leave those systems. If they don't kill us first.