james 4

wash your hands
o sinners
as if washing removes
doubt or anger or bitterness
or whatever that biblical author
believes makes one unclean

it’s not a new thing
to be accused of uncleanliness
in the face of despair
we doubters
are well acquainted
with shame 

resist the devil and he will flee
is a wonderful sentiment
but what if the devil
is an irresistible anger
at a god who never seems to
care no matter how humble
or humiliated
we are

and is all of this too hostile
are we labeled enemies of god
because our grieving and mourning and weeping
is not because we are estranged from him
but because we are annoyed at him 

i hope not
because in the midst of
all these admonitions
and in the mist of
my own doctrinal tensions
the word grace
appears

just one
word
between enemy
and devil 

almost like god
wedges it in
like god is saying
stop
stop
stop
your hands are clean
your heart is clean
put down the soap
stop

and that one word
is enough
i refuse to be quarantined with shame
i refuse to socialize with fear of damnation
i will protect myself from
people and verses
that name my doubt
pride
and name my anger
arrogant