fear not

fear not
say the angels
and i wonder
if god approved this mocking
approved these supernatural beings
with gold and power
to come down to a world of death and woe
and dare tell us
not to fear

my body is fear
my molecules are made of panic and dread
do not fear
means do not exist
but i fear that as well

perfect love casts out fear
and i wonder if god approved this mocking
because surely loving someone
with the very essence of your being
doesn’t mean you fear every moment
for their safety
my eyes are rolling
empty platitudes must be a speciality
of heaven 

because
perfect love drives fear
creates fear
initiates fear
amplifies fear
perfect love is a condemned man heavily sweating in a garden
or a mom
staring at her sick child
at 2 AM 

and how dare this feeling
be easily dismissed
by angels and their defenders
have they ever
experienced
what a heart feels like
when it beats so rapidly
the chest threatens to
crack open
when a throat closes
and tears huddle behind eyes

have they ever
taken off their undamned halos
and experienced
loss
or threat of loss
or held the hand of a four year old
with an immune disorder
and a world destined for destruction 

i will wrestle with god and angels
if it means
my perfect loves
live forever

displace my hip
o world maker
because i am not leaving
until you
bless my fear
and prove it unfounded